Megarella!
by GillyRose
Summary: Disgusted by the Herc world's lack of popularity in the Disney pantheon, Hades tries to convice Meg to become its newest fairy tale princess by starring in an upcoming Cinderalla spinoff.


**_Warning: This fanfic is Hades rated ER for Extra Rude. Contains Cinderella spoilers._**

**MEGARELLA!!!!!!**

**The Museum, at night. All is locked up, quiet and secure. Hades, Lord of the Underworld, steps off of his black and orange vase {a reallynice_ big_ one}and hops down to the floor, morphing into human size and, with a wave of his hand, appearing in regular human dress of the late 20th century. He calls out.**

**__****Hades......**..Hercules!!! Babe...are you there??!!?

**_A marble statue of Herc and Meg entwined in a kiss comes to life._**

_**Hercules{in mid smooch}** _Leave us alone. We're busy! Whatta ya want??!!

**__****Hades......**..Babe, bottom line, broad strokes, we need to confab _pronto_ ASAP.

**____****Hercules**....._Huh???_

**__****Hades......**I need to speak to you. Like... **_Now-ish_**.You get my message???

**____****Hercules**...Oh... all OK, _Ok_...we'll be right there!!!!

**_{Herc grabs Meg in his arms and leaps off of his shelf with a slight clatter}_**

_**Hades......**_.._Ssshhhushh! _don't wake up the **_schwartzes!!!_**

**____****Hercules**.......the ...who???who you mean....oh....The _**Muses!!?? **_

_**Hades......**_.yes... **_them, _**don't _wake_ them, don't get me_ wrong,_ great buncha gals, but the **_last_** thing I need now is five crazy black broads singing their brains out at the top of their _lungs,_ this deal is on the_ QT,_ ad hoc, top priority and on a **_strictly need to know basis...._**

_**Hercules**_...What's with the mortal getup??

_**Hades......**_..Do ya _love_ it?? I'm **_glad _**you asked. I've taken on the role of "Californian animated cartoon producer," and _this_ is how they dress... I _think._

_**Megara**_....Suits you. Casual, yet slightly sleazy. In a _charming_ kind of way.

_**Hades......**_._**Thank**_you, my dear. _**{Hades leans over and kisses her hand gallantly, but ruins the effect by running a forked tongue down her wrist} **_"MMMmmm......_Delicious!!!"_

_**Megara{ flinching}**_**.**...**_YUCK!!!_**

_**Hercules{snarling}**_...._Hades!!_

_**Hades......**_Sorry, _sorry,_ force of habit. Call it a weakness for _gorgeous_ ex-minions.... My **_sincere _**apologies.{or ...as close as I can _come_ to that}..**_welcome_**.... I was afraid you were'nt going to make it for a moment!!

_**Hercules**_...Well... I **_do_** recall you _said_ it was an important secret meeting to which all the key members of the Herc movie and TV world were invited...but I could'nt convince too many people to show up...in fact...**_no_** one..except **_Icarus,_** of course....He always _did_ have fascination for lost causes....

_**Megara**_......That's because Icarus _IS_ a lost--

_**Hades......No, no, no,**_ _don't _say it!! It's _too_ easy!!!

_**Hercules{grinning}**_.......**_Icarus!! _**arya out there, Buddy???

**Icarus comes alive off of a plate on a shelf and flys down to land accidently in a vase. He climbs out clumsily and flies down to the floor, crashing into a heap at Hade's feet.**

_**Hades.....**_Ah ...and _here_ he is.....your sturdy, loyal, issue-laden and fairly incompetant sidekick.._.welcome,_ Creepshow!!

_**Icarus{ straightening out his feathers} **_....That's **_MR._** Creepshow, to _**You!!**!_

_**Hades......**_ah..yes....Icarus..._forgive_ me...my _dear_ little Icarus.....the "Jar Jar Binks" of Disney animation!!!!!

_**Icarus{tossing his hair}**_....You can't insult me. I don't _expect_ to be understood in my own time!!

_**Hades......**_I'll take _That_ bet...........So... all _alone, _I see?? ....where's your...uh..._"bitter_ half??"...where's the ubiquitous _"Cassie Lassie??"_

_**Icarus**_....She had a vision last night that today's meeting would be a _complete_ disaster!!! Plus, she said something about _.._what was it now??_ ..something_ _something something..._.. "cleaning the tile grouting in the Vomitorium with her _tongue...."_

_**Megara**_...Ya know...there's something about that girl I _like!!??!_

_**Hades......**_Ah!! I see, well, no doubt you will fill her in on the particulars........Pain, Panic, get a little something for our guests, make with the libations....and _don't_ be stingy with the ambrosia!!!

**{Pain and Panic dispense refreshments}**

_**Megara**_ _{staring into her glass.}_......There's a worm... in my drink.....

_**Hades......**_I _know!_ Is'nt it**_ great?!? _**Had them flown in special for this meeting. _Nothing's_ too good for **_my _**cast-mates!!

_**Megara**_..... Uh.._.Thank_you.

_**Icarus{smacking his lips**_**}**....De-_Lish!!!_ Can I have _another ?!!??_

_**Megara**_..... You can have _mine!!_

___**Herc..........**_Uh...me too...I'm...a ......cutting back on worms this week. Hades_.._..can we get down to "bronze tacks" here???

_**Hades......**_Yes yes, of course, of course.....I've called you all here today to discuss an _egregious_ oversight that I'm sure cannot possibly have escaped_ **any** _of you. _**{Looks at Hercules.}**_ Well.._.**most** _of you.

_**Herc..........**Very_ funny.

_**Icarus.**_....I'm a_gog_ with anticipation.

_**Hades......**_Ok, what I wanted to discuss with you guys is the status of the Herc franchise regarding the Studio's long range plans...and the situation is bad, gentlemen.......very... _very_ bad. In fact, it could'nt be_ worse._

_**Hercules**_.....How bad???

_**Hades....."**Teacher's Pet....The Movie"_ bad.

_**Icarus**_......_**Oh Gods No!!!!!!!**_

_**Hades......**_I'm afraid so....The fact of the matter is, our film and our series have been _elaborately_ overlooked when it comes to sequels, marathons, website activity, specials _and_ new merchandise, and as a result, the fans are gettin' 're runnin' on _fumes, _People.

_**Herc..........**_So???

_**Hades......**So ..._.I am aiming to _rectify_ this situation.!!!

_**Megara .........**S_ounds painful.....

_**Icarus **__**...........**_But _intriguing!!!_

_**Hades......**_what I mean to _say_ is....We need to upgrade our need a breakthrough concept in order to expand the fan base and get _back_ on the map!!

_**Herc{scratching his head}**_ We were never **_On_** the map!!!

_**Icarus **_....._**....**_Yeah... Hades, he's gotta point....I mean....just _what_ do you think you can **_do _**about it?? Obviously not _that_ many people can connect with Greek mythology. And our _particular _brand of Herc humour, which celebrates the irony of the human condition and is derived from juxtaposing modern cultural references against an ancient world context has failed to find favor with the typical Disneyloving cognescenti!!

**_Entire Cast _**........**HUH???**

_**Icarus **_...._........_Everyone thinks we_ suck._

_**Hades{ whirling around in an explosion of boiling steam}......**_You are _**Correct,** _Sir!!!!! _But_..... that doe'snt _Have_ to be the case!!

_**Herc..........**_Hades, if you don't click with an audience, there's _nothing _in the_ Cosmos _you can do about it. {Believe me, **_I_** know!!!!} I mean .......it's not like you can _make _people like you....I mean........ ya can't go around pulling their _teeth_ out one at a time and forcing them to_ want_ something.......

_**Hades{resting chin on hand}.....**_...You don't know me very well, do you??.. {But, I digress.} The _point_ I'm trying to make here, is.....that I think if we partnered together on something I have in mind we could put a whole new spin on the Herc market!!.....

_**Herc..........**_So..... you want US..... to collaborate with..._ **you!!??**_**.**.uh....no offense but _You're_ not _exactly _my first choice for a business associate, Hades.

_**Hades......**_and...just why, pray tell, would be the reason for such _cynical_ and unwarrented suspicion??

_**Herc.........**_WHY??? **_WHY???...gee....hmmmm...._**Maybe because the _first_ thing you ever did when we met was to jam a spiked pacifier in my kisser??? I _think_ the relationship.... went downhill from _there._

_**Hades.....**_Oh Herc, you're _exaggerating!!_

_**Herc.........Exaggerating!!?? **_Oh...... just a **sec** here!! You had me **_kidnapped_**.... and **_poisoned.... _**and tried to _**exile**_ me from my family_.... forever!!!!_ You tried to destroy me _**or**_ my Dad on a daily basis through _**four**_solid years of highschool!!

_**Icarus**_....and _friends!!_ He was mean to your _**friends**,_ too!!!! _{To Meg}_ He stepped on my foot once and _never_ said he was sorry!!

_**Hades.....**_It was _**character**_ building!!!

_**Herc........**_Character....BULL!!! You plotted to overthrow the Cosmos, you manipulated and blackmailed Megara and you tried to trap us both in a River of Death for _eternity!!!!!!!!_

_**Hades.....**_Boy, you just can't get _over _that one,_ can _you????

_**Herc**_....No, I_ can't._ Call me small minded and petty if you will, but your track record is just too _loathsome--_

_**Hades....Stop!!**_ Now just _**stop**_ right there. I won't have_ you_ dissing me and my Realm...You're gonna give the Underworld a bad name!!

_**Herc.......**_I already HAVE a bad name for the Underworld!!!_{ Gets up to leave}_

_**Hades**_**{_swirling rapidly across the room and getting between the door and Herc}._....**

_**Hercules!!!**_ My dear dear _dear_ nephew, you cut me to the quick!!!...Co'_mon!!!_we're **_Related!!! We're Family!! _**We're **_Blood!!!_**

_**Herc**_....no actually, we're **_Ichor......._**

_**Hades**_.....Hey!!and ya _know_ what they say!!!! "_**Ichor**_ is _**Thicker **_......than _water_!!!"...So... let's forget about our past differences.........let's _Bury _the hatchet!!'

_**Herc.**_....uh...yeah...... right. In_ **"Who??"**_

_**Hades**_....._Babe,_ ya got me all wrong . _Leave _us not quarrel..... It's** _so_** de'classe...c'_mon,_ you know this constant bickering between us is getting us nowhere......it makes us _look_ bad in front of our inferiors** _{glances at _**_**Icarus}**_...... gets _**me** _up early, gets _**you** _up early....hey!! look....it all just boils down to a matter of _trust....._

_**Herc**_......Hades, **_that's_** the problem!!!I don't _trust_ you any further than I could_ throw _you!!

_**Icarus**_......ah...Herc, Buddy........_bad_ _could_ throw him .....pretty darn far.

_**Hercules**_.....Ok, fine....then.... Hades..._here's_ my response...... take a _short _walk off a _long _pier!!

_**Icarus**_.....uh, Herc.....

_**Hades**_........and the _legend_ lives on!!!just think... **_this guy _**graduated from Prometheus Academy, folks...the most _prestigious _school in all of ancient Greece!!! HA!!! _That_ was money well spent!!!

_**Icarus**_....Herc.....metaphors were never your thing. Why don't you just break his face????

_**Hercules{flexing his fist}**_....It's tempting.

_**Hades**_...._Please !!_ such violence!!! listen....just hear me out....OK??... our problem, as I see it, is with _**image**._ The key to any Disney blockbuster is the **_heroine,_**OK?? and _that's _where we run into trouble. I 'm talkin' about a certain **someone** here....._ right_ here at Disney, a certain young lady who's_ incredibly_ talented,_ drop dead _gorgeous, face of a goddess with a body that won't quit.....but she's saddled with this .....tough-gal-hard-as-nails-image and everyone considers her a _total_ slut.....

_**Icarus**_....Lindsey Lohan???

_**Hades.**_...**No!!! **you little_ idiot, _I'm talking about **_Megara!!_**

**_Herc_**.....Uh...huh....and **_what _**certain _evil _cold calculating ruthless manipulative sleazebag will stop at _nothing_ to exploit her with no thought at all except for his own personal _gain????_

_**Icarus**_....Lindsey Lohan's _**Dad!!**_

_**Hades.**_...**_Wrong _**again, Shortstuff!!! The answer to that question that would be..... **ME!!! **But.... I'm_ doing_ this for the whole gang!!!! and I'm _Not_ out to exploit anyone{surprise surprise} and if you listen to me for once just Might see it _my_ way.....

_**Megara**_ .....Ok, **_ok,_** OK!!!if it will_ shut _you up....just get on with the big secret....by the way, Hades? there's _vermin_ in my dressing room.

_**Hades.....**_.Babe, that's _not_ vermin......Those are your _co-stars._

_**Megara**_ .....My....**_co-stars???_**

_**Hades**_.... Yeah....I'm getting to that...they were in there to surprise you, they're all the mice and birdies that appear in the 1950 blockbuster Disney classic...**_Cinderella!!!!_**

_**Megara**_ .....Oh!!...oh..ah...I _see_...um...Ok....I was _wondering_ why they were all wearing little pants.....**_Damn_**....will you _excuse_ me a second????_{whips out cell phone }_......Yes....Hello??? SpeedyKill Exterminators??? I'd like to _cancel_ that last appointment??..

_**Hercules**_....What were the mice and birdies doing in her dressing room to _begin _with???

_**Hades**_.... I'm just _getting _to that....right.......here's the pitch.....Meg, Babe..---_what_ if.....we could get _YOU _recast as "Cinderella??"in the upcoming DVD sequal release??...now don't answer me right away, just _think _about it, ok??...I mean, I'm just putting it out there.....ya know.......just for shits and giggles----

**_Megara_**.......Well, just for shits and giggles, put it back_ in!!!!_

**_Hercules....._**You've ....**got** to be _kidding _me.

_**Hades.**_...No!! no I am _On_ the level!!{for once!!!}..I am DEAD serious...

_**Icarus**_....whoa.._.That.... _is **Really **serious.

_**Hades**_{expanding on his idea}...I can_ see _it all now!!!_ **Walt Disney Pictures Presents**_**.....****"MEGARELLA!!!..."**

_**Hercules....**_That's _ridiculous!!!_ You're _not_ sucking **_my_** wife into some evil scheme again, Hades, we've been down this road before, I mean, how **_stupid_** do you think I _am???!!! _

_**Icarus....**_Herc, quit while yer ahead.

_**Hades....**_.Herky!!! Herky Perky _Poo!_!!!!!....this is **_125%_** on the level!!....all I'm _asking_ is, you let your _scrumptious_ wifykins here try out for the part!!! She's a _natural,_ a **great** little actress....hey, who knows that better than _me????_

**_Hercules...._**But Megara is **_So_** not...... "fairy tale princess!!!"

_**Hades....**_**.Only** cause yer not thinking outside the box, Babe. **_All _**she's gotta do is get into the character. _Think _Big, _BE_ BIG, Babe!!!!!

_**Meg**_......Oh, jeez...... let me _outta_ here....it's been a real _slice, _Hades....

_**Hades**_......No, No, **_wait!!!!_**....Ya gotta see it all now...._.. Picture_ this ...Vaguely 19th century fairy tale setting...lovely old chateau... yer Mom's kicked the bucket, OK?? she's wrong side of the grass??? and yer wealthy Dad remarries a super _bioche _who nags _**him**_ into an early grave......and yer now the stepdaughter of a cruel manipulative post-menopausal woman and her two butt-ugly teen daughters who take out their petty frustrations and jealousy by making you scrub floors and do the laundry while they bankrupt the family fortune....

_**Meg**_**{_exchanging glances with Herc_}**........Uh _huh....._

_**Hades{whirling around the room in a frenzy}**_**.**....You're at the bottom of the household food chain and your market share is _nil._ You wear rags, live on scraps and sleep all the way upstairs in a tiny unheated attic room with nothing but vermin...er... cuddly household pests... for company and friendship. You _talk_ to yourself a lot. You sing out the windows!!You have_ long _conversations with the furniture and dream of a day when a handsome Prince will sweep you off your feet and take you away from it all!!!

**_Meg_**.....You've.....** _GOT_ **to be kidding me.

_**Hades**_.....No, no, see, you're real unhappy and _one_ day they announce that there's this shindig, some big major ball type deal going on at the palace and you don't get to go because you have to spend too much time getting your ugly_ sisters _ready.....

**_Meg_**...."Uh..._huh...._..."

_**Hades**_.........and they all charge off to the ball dressed to the hilt while you're left _all_ alone in the attic, a poor sad pathetic wretch, sobbing your heart out in a heap of rags and misery!!

**_Meg_**........Ex-_**Cuse**_ me. _"Hello_. My name is Megara. Have we _met????"_

_**Hades**_.......Stay with me on this..... OK....your pathetic blubbering brings your Fairy Godmother out of the blue to grant you your _fondest_ wish......

**_Meg_**..._.That's_ very good of her..... **_where the fuck has she been all this time?!!!??_**

_**Hades... **_Don't get me sidetracked. She's here **now **to make sure your dearest wishes come true......

**_Meg_**....Does that include burning down the whole chateau with everyone _inside!!??_

_**Hades**_.....Nice touch, but no. She's going to fix it so you can go to the ball in style, meet the Prince, get married and spend the rest of your life rubbing it in your family's face.

**_Meg_**........well_, Now _yer talking!!!

_**Hades**_......So...bippidi boppidi_ boo,_ with a wave of her wand she transforms you from kitchen drudge into Ultimate Disney Fairy Tale Prince Bait. Here...I've had the Art Department do a mock up poster for you.......{it was no trouble, they're not too busy these days.....}

**_Meg_**{getting up to leave}...I think you've been inhaling too much brimstone!!

_**Hades...**_No no **_No_** don't leave!!! I've invited the whole cast of **_Cinderella_** over here for negotiations.....we're having a power , except for Cinderella _herself._

_**Hercules.....**_And where, pray tell, is_ Cinderella_ in all this??!!!?

_**Hades...**_...Oh she's unavailable at the moment.... I got her a deal doing some print work for Manalo Blanik.....seemed perfect... she'll be outta here for awhile.....at least until we can get some contracts signed...and she took Fairy Godmother with her...

_**Hercules.....**_How..... can you even **_think_** this could be possible?!!!??

_**Hades...**Hakuna Matata, _Babe, just remember, "Your Heart is a Wish a Dream makes!!!"

_**Hercules.....**_**_....._**.no...that's wrong....I _think_ it's ....."A Wish is a _**Dream **_Your_ Heart _makes!!"

_**Icarus.......**_Oh no, no no, I _got_ it!! I _got _it!!!! it's ...."A **_Dream_** is a _Heart_ Your Wish makes."

**_Meg........_**Wanna know what I'm wishing _**right now??**_

**_Hades....._**OK, so Cindy's is out of the picture, and that just left _one_ little problem.......but I've dealt with it already.....see....in order to achieve this goal we had to remove a certain_ impediment...._

_**Hercules......**_and what would _that_ be???

**_Hades....._**Not what, but _who._......and by **"_who_"** I mean the _only_ young adult male Disney hero that's duller than _you_, my lad...._...Prince_ Charming!!!

_**Hercules......**_Prince _Charming??? _

**_Hades....._**Yes.....he was'nt too happy about switching leading ladies but he won't be bothering us for awhile.......

_**Hercules...**_.what..... you got him a _deal,_ too??

**_Hades....._**Unfortunately.... **_no.._**..there is'nt a lot of call for an emasculated Prince with an unhealthy foot fetish who stands around not doing anything in particular....well... except in _England, _and they already **_got_** one, right?? Badda**_bing!!!......_**

___**Hercules...**_....**What have you done with Prince Charming!!???!!!**

**_Hades....._**Let's just say..... I made him an offer he _could'nt_ refuse!!

_**Hercules......Hades!!!!**_ did you kidnap Prince Charming and consign him to an Eternity of Damnation and hell fire in the depths of **_Tartarus ?!!!!!??_**

**_Hades_**_**{staring down at his sandals}**.....Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........................._Yes

_**Hercules......**Bad_ god!!! **_Naughty_** god!!!You're a Very **_very _**bad, **_bad _**god!!!!....

**_Hades....._**Hey!!!! I figured he needed a break. Sure, he'd done some good work, and we'll always remember him, but he's been around for a looooong while, _really_ worn out his welcome, ya know??? ..... time for him to get away from Hollywood!!

_**Hercules......That's **_what you said about the _Smurfs_!!!!!! and they have'nt been seen since!!!

_**Icarus......**_He damned the Smurfs to the Underworld.....wow...._that's_ cold.

**_Hades....._**Hey!!! They had it _coming!!_ Evil immoral dirty little lowlifes!!!

_**Hercules......**_The _Smurfs???_How do ya figure??!!!?

**_Hades....._**Oh _Please!!!_.... tiny village, middle of _no_where, rampant unemployment, sixty Smurfs, **_ONE_** Smurfette?!??!! Do the _math,_ Archimedes!!!

_**Hercules.....**_..... You..... are _one _sick divinity!

**_Hades_**_**{blushing}**._**_.... _**Thankyou. I _try._

_**Icarus......**_Ya know I _always_ wondered....if you choke a Smurf...what color _does_ he turn???

_**Megara{ stares at Icarus for a moment}**._...So... Prince Charming and the Smurfs are in the **_same_** place?!!?....Even_ I'm_ having trouble believng you can be _that_ rotten!!!

**_Hades....._**Oh it's not _So_ bad....they're getting the European Plan, no-frills standard treatment.....lava lakes.... sulphur pits....Don Bluth movies......

**_Icarus........_**wow...that really IS torture!!!

_**Hercules.**_....We seem to have gotten away from the point here.

**_Hades....._**Yes!!_ yes,_ back to business!!! Where _were _we??

_**Hercules.**_.... Well, personally, I think you're insane....But if you _really_ want to pull this off....you're going to have to convince Lady Tremain and her two daughters.....and they're the _bad _guys in the film...

**_Hades....._**No problemo, you leave that to_ me._ I can work with these people. I speak their language.

_**Lady Tremaine comes walking in, flanked by the two ugly stepsisters.**_

_**A horde of mice and birdies, led by Jaques and Gus follow her , and make themselves comfortable in various nooks and crannies of the room**_

_**Hades.....**Lady Tremaine!!!**{executing an overly dramatic bow with great flourish. Kisses her hand, and the lace of her sleeve starts to singe. He blows it out}**_

Oops!! _Sorry_ about that!!!! **where was I??? oh yes!!! _Welcome_, _Lady_ T!!......Wicked Stepmother _Ex-Trao-Din-Aire!!_.**..._Greetings!! _**Salutations,** hey, I'm _so_ glad you could make it, I _**love** _gals like you, you make my job_** so **_much easier.....hey!! .anyone ever tell you yer **_HOT???!!!!!_**

**_Lady Tremaine_{_eyes widening with shock}_._...._**Ex-**_cuse_** me?!!!!??

_**Hades**_........Yes, yes of course _**where**_ are my manners??!!...oh!! _That's_ right!!!!I don't _**have**_any!!! **HA!!**! ok....No, really, ya know, you musta been _something_ way back before electricity......tell me, you ever date anyone out of your own dimension?? you like older men??? and by _older_ I mean like, 1500 to 2500 years or so??? Hey!! is it true what I hear about older _women??? _

**_Lady Tremaine....._**....I _beg _your pardon?!!!!?

_**Hades**_........"They don't yell, they don't swell and they're grateful as _hell???"_

**_Lady Tremaine_**_**{faltering back onto her chaise lounge}**._**_...._**.....I...have _**Never**_ been so insulted...... in all my** _Life!!!_**

**_Icarus_**........Stick around. He was just getting warmed up!!

_**Hades**_........And **_these_** must be your two _lovely_ daughters...._did'nt _catch the name again???

_**Drizella.....**_My name is _Drizella!_

_**Icarus{to Lady Tremaine}**.**...."**_Dri_..zella_.??."...you named yer kid _Drizella??._...wow....you really Are a cruel stepmother!!

**_Lady Tremaine eying Icarus_**.....Get away from me!!!!!

_**Hades**_.......That's right, that's right, Dri-_zella._...hmmmm........sounds like a sinus medication.....and **_this _**would be your sister...._wait_..wait...let me guess now......._Anesthesia.??_

**_Anastasia_**.......That's _**Anastasia!**_

_**Hades**_.......**_Gesundheit!!! _**Nice to meet you........Say...they were'nt kidding when they cast _**you** _two in this film, were they???....someone _really_ worked you gals over with the Ugly Stick!!! no offense, but you any relation to_ Medusa?? _she has two sisters, ya know, I thought maybe there was a connection of some sort.......

**_Megara_**.... _Real_ smooth, Hades.

_**Hades**_......What can I offer you to drink?? Ambrosia??? Nectar??....a nice morphine drip??

**_Lady Tremaine_**....Cognac. Straight.

_**Hades{ waves his hand with a flourish, a silver tray appears with a steaming goblet of rainbow colored ambrosia, and a cut crystal decanter set of 100 year old cognac. He pours her a drink, and then sits down, patting the place next to sits down, warily and accepts the drink.}**_

_**Hades**_**...........** Ok, well, _is'nt_ this nice and cosy??

**_Lady Tremaine_**....Get to the _point,_ Hades.I _don't_ have all day.

_**Hades**_**.......**Well then, hold on to your cameo, because I'm gonna let you in on the ground floor of a deal that could make us _Zillions!!!!_

**_Lady Tremaine_**....I highly doubt there's anything _you _could say that would be of any interest to me and my daughters, Hades.....but I'm listening.....

_**Hades**_......_That's _a good villainess!!!Here's the sitch, bottom line, broad strokes......we're interested in getting a_ bigger_ piece of the, uh...Disney pie, ergo, Megara here needs to upgrade her image from sexy-threatening-broad-with-all-the-answers to picture-perfect fairy-tale-princess ...ie, helpless, pathetic and _needy.._ya know, all fluttery and into frilly things......

**_Icarus...._**Hey!! _**I'll**_ do it!!_ I'm_ helpless, pathetic and needy!! and I already _**own**_ the frilly things!!!{in fact, I'm wearing them right _now!!!}_

_**Megara**_, **_Drizella and Anastasia._**............._EWWWWWW!!!!_

**_Hercules _**_**{elbowing Icarus in the ribs}**_**_...._**_Behave _yourself!!

_**Hades**_......OK, I'm ignoring that...._**as**_ I was saying....we want Megara to star in the next Cinderella DVD release. And we want **_your_** co operation in stabbing old Cinders in the back which, I figure is _not_ a big deal for **_you_** since you do it so well on _regular_ basis....

**_Lady Tremaine_**_**{sipping her cognac}**_**.**...It's no secret I'm _not_ a big fan of my step daughter...but what's in it for_ me, _Hades???

_**Hades**_...... Hey!! whatever ya want, ya got. _Bigger_ dressing room?? Bigger chateau?? _more _servants??? your daughters, the two clockstoppers over here, how about some _serious_ plastic surgery??? I happen to have some pull with Aphrodite and I'm _not_ making any promises 'cause _these_ two gals, **_wow_**, they're_ really_ tough sledding, if ya know what I mean, but....but.....

**_Lady Tremaine_**....I don't see that happening, Hades....why should _we_ be remotely interested in doing _you_ modern Disney upstarts any favors??

**_Hades_**......well....Yes... T, I understand _perfectly_.Nothing personal...its just business..... But I, uh... I do have a bit of _leverage..._ you might be interested in finding out about....

**_Hercules_**........Ok, this is _**Always** _bad news.....

_**Icarus.**_.......yeah...yeah...the leverage thing is bad.....

**_Lady Tremaine_**....what do you mean by ....**_"leverage??"_**

_**Everyone glances at an empty velvet pillow in the corner.**_

**_Lady Tremaine_**...._**Lucifer!!??!**__**Lucifer!!??!**_**_ Where's my Lucifer!!!???_**

**_Hades_**_**{grinning hugely}.**_**_.._**Gee....he was here a _minute_ ago......

**_Lady Tremaine_**....You _dreadful _man!!!!! have you loosed that _awful_ Bruno on my beloved Lucifer!???!!!

**_Hades_**_**{ classic sarcastic glance} **_Bruno??? ...._**Bruno???**_ Lady!! we don't need no stinkin'Bruno!!!_**{ snaps fingers, 210 foot high Cerebus appears in an explosion of steam and flames. All three heads are chewing on Lucifer simutaneously like bubblegum.} **_

**_Lady Tremaine screams her head off_**

**_Hades..._**Say the word and Lucifer is _right_ back where he belongs. Well ..._most_ of him, anyway.....

**Suddenly, Cerebous'es middle head grabs a hold of Lucifer and gulps him _right _down, burping happily. Everyone gasps.**

**_Hades_**_{** tapping his front fangs with one claw}**_**_..._**Ok...** _that_**_.... _was'nt supposed to happen........

**_Lady Tremaine_{screaming!!}** **_Lucifer!!_** My _darling _pussycat!!How_ **could**_ you!!! Hades, this meeting is OVER!!!! you'll be hearing from my_** people.....**_ I'm phoning Walt this _very _moment!!!

**_Hades_**....._._yeah....right._...**News Flash**_**,** Babe, Uncle Walt's been "room temperature" since _**1966!!**_

**Chorus of horrified mice and birdies**_**..........Uncle Walt's ......."Dead?!!!?"**_

**_Hades_**........Lemme guess.....You've been in that attic a _**LOOOOONG** _time, have'nt you?

**_Lady Tremaine_**....Then I'm calling **_Mr. Eisner!!!_**

_**Hercules.**_....Oh...Madame Tremaine?? Mr Eisner is... no longer Chairman of Disney.... He's .......not around any more.

**_Lady Tremaine_**...Where did he go???

**Everyone looks at Hades**

**_Hades {looking exasperated}........_**Well... don't look at _me!!!_..... **_I_ **don't have him..... **_yet_**......Hey!! what makes you guys so _suspicious,_ anyway??

_**Megara**_....Uh... he's onyour speed dial??

**_Lady Tremaine_**_**{ rising in fury}**_**.**..That's it!!! We're leaving this _instant._ I just want you to know you can be expecting a call from my**_ extremely expensive vicious lawyers!!!_**

**_Icarus..._**Is there any other _kind???_

**_Hades..._**Yeah, like I'm afraid of **_extremely expensive vicious _**lawyers, **_I Invented Them, Lady!!!!_**

**_Wicked Stepmother flounces off in a huff with her two daughters._**

_**Hercules.....**_I don't think you should have ticked her off like that, doe'snt look like a real good sport.

**_Hades..._**What can I say??? Ya wanna play hard ball, ya gotta learn to pee with the** _big_**dogs!!!

**Everyone looks at Cerebous, worriedly **

**_Hades_**_{** watching his erstwhile co-stars disappear}**._**_.._**_**Fine!**_! **Be** that way!!! Good**_ Riddance!!!!_** We'll take over the parts _ourselves!!!!!!!_ I've always had a little itch to get into showbiz!!!** _{ snaps fingers, and voila, appears as Lady Tremaine herself and then turns to his two minions....} _**

**_Hades..._**Pain, Panic, I always _said _you two were a real _**drag!!!!**_** _{Zaps Pain and Panic into _**_**ugly sisters.}**_ Voila!!!!_Not_ bad!! not bad at all.....in fact, it's something of an _improvement!!!!!_

**_Hades_**......Now, lets see if we can talk turkey with theserodents....

_**Megara**_....What makes you think that the Cinderella mice and birdies will deal with Hades, Lord of the Underworld???

**_Hades_**......You ever _hear _of a little thing called a**... "Bribe??" **_Every _mouse has their price, Babe. Hey!! _even_ Mickey....and, as I recall, he was _one _satisfied customer.......Say!!! think we can work the same deal with _these _guys???....

_**Icarus**_.....Nah......Jessica Rabbit doe'snt _do_ that stuff anymore.

**_Hades.._**_...._Damn!!!! oh...never mind_.._we'll think of something_.......Jaques!!!_ Gus!!!! _....._pull up some cheese, have a seat._.....uh...Sorry_ about the D-Con spray, Megara did'nt know. She's kind of a, _what_ can I say????...a high maintenence...... "indoor kinda gal." But once you get to know her, you'll get along just fine!!

_**Megara**_......Why not?? I'm_ used_ to working with rats!!!

_**Jaques{ in a deep, unintelligible grating voice} **_.... Megarelly!!! .Megarelly!!!zut zut!! zut zut!!!

**_Hades_**......._Beg _your pardon???

_**Jaques**_......Megarelly!!! Megarelly!!! we don' t like!!! she not _Cinderelly!! _Not a good idea!! zut zut!! zut zut!!!

**_Hades_**........Say....what's wrong with this kid's voice??? Whoa, _you_ need a throat lozenge, Pal...... what, you got _polyps_ or something????....Lay off the Camel unfiltereds, Babe.....

_**Jaques**_......Want our Cinderelly!! Bad idea!! no like!!Zut zut !!

**_Hades_**......Did anyone get that???

_**Jaques**_......Want our Cinderelly!! Bad idea!! no like!!zut zut!!!

**_Hades_**......Babe...you ever hear of a little thing called _grammar??._. Here's a drachma... buy yerself a preposition.._.._..**{_turns to Gus_}** So.... what's _your_ story, Pal???

**_Gus_**.....duh...duh...._duh......_

**_Megara_**......Ya know?? I think you got rid of that cat too soon.

**_Hades_**......I think you are _correct, _Madame. Someone's worked this guy over....this mouse is _retarded_ or something...and he's gonna need a _serious_ diction coach......is the guy who worked with Scooby Doo still available???

_**Icarus.....**_uh, no... I think he had a nervous breakdown a couple of years ago....

_**Gus**_...We want, duh... Cind_erelly _back!! duh...duh...duh..duh....

_**Jaques**_......No negotiate with villains!! Bring Cinderelly back!! Zut zut!!!

**_Hades_**....all right, _that's _it!!**_{Grabs Meg's cellphone.}_** "SpeedyKill Exterminators??? you still have that opening this afternoon???"

_**Hercules{grabbing the phone from him}**_....Stop that!!!**_Hades !!_** you'd better show a _lil _more guys are **_beloved classic_** Disney characters!!!

**_Hades_**......_.Lose_ 'em. They're a drag on the ticket. We'll dig up our _own _vermin.....OK.... now...Fairy Godmother......Fairy Godmother...._who_ from the Herc world can we get to fill the Fairy Godmother part???

_**Phys Odipus { suddenly comes alive from off a vase somewhere}**_......Oh _I_ will!!!! **_I will..._**.I'd LOVE to be the Fairy Godmother.....in fact, it's the_ role _I was born to**_ play!!!_**

**_Hades_**......._Very_ funny!!!!!!!

_**Phys Odipus**_......No.... I can **_do_** it!!! Just give me a_ chance!!! _Please!!!!! I could make **_All_**.... your wishes come true!!

**_Hades_**......I_ **bet** _you could._**{Turns to Pain and Panic.}**_ Call Atropos, _she'll _take the gig. And get this three-dollar-bill gym teacher outta here, _pronto!!_

_**Phys Odipus...**_but **_wait,_** just give me a **_chance_**...I can help her find her _inner winner!!!_.._**.Please!!!!..{gets hustled off stage by Pain and Panic}**_

**_Hades_**.....OK...what's next?? right!! we will need a leading man!!.and we have'nt forgotten**_ you _**Herc_,_ **you** can full the Prince's part.

_**Hercules.**_....But ...what do_ **I** _do, exactly??

**_Hades_**......Well.. yer the "Prince of her Dreams." You meet her at the ball, you dance, you schmooze, you have a little nosh at the buffet, yada yada yada, then _suddenly_ she realizes it's near midnight, and runs away before the magic wears off...._ you _chase her down the steps 'cause for _some_ reason during the last 6 hours you spent with her you forgot to ask her_ what_ her name was or _where_ she's from......

_**Megara**_....Oh, _yeah. **He's**_ a keeper!!

**_Hades_**......And the _only _clue you have is a glass slipper that she loses on the palace steps.....

_**Hercules.**_....You mean _this_ one?? _**Herc holds up a palmful of shattered glass**._. Sorry, it just kinda broke....

**_Hades_**......Oy **_Vey!!!!!!_**_What_ were the odds????

_**Hercules.**..._.Well... why would ANYONE in their right mind make a slipper out of **_glass,_** anyhow???

**_Hades_**......Great, we'll have to have about a _hundred _of these on hand...anyway...that's pretty much your gig. See, you find the slipper{manage NOT to break it} and figure out that it's the _only_ clue to her proclaim that you'll _marry _the_ first _girl who fits in _that _slipper.

_**Icarus....**_My. How _shallow._

**_Hades_**......So _all_ over the kingdom _thousands_ and thousands of girls are trying on the _one_ same glass slipper to see if it will fit......

**_Megara_**.....My. How unsanitary.

**_Hades_**......and **_none _**do...._until_.... they come to Cinderella's course, the wicked step mother has her daughters give it a go, but_ no _dice, it's "Bunion City"... And they _won't_ give Cinderella a turn, and to make _sure _she doe'snt get one they _lock_ her up in her attic room.....

**_Megara_**.....So...._when _do I get to have them killed again????

**_Hades_**......But at the _last_ possible moment Cindy **_does_** get rescued, she_ **gets** _her turn, and the Prince _**himself**_ comes out to the house to try the glass slipper on her tender tootsie!!

_**Icarus....**_This is'nt a very _**busy**_ kingdom, is it???

**_Hades_**......You propose marriage on the spot, she accepts, and you take her back to the palace where you marry and live _happily_ ever after, yada yada yada.

**_Megara_**....._**Then**_ I get to have them killed!???!!!

_**Hercules.**_....Uh....speaking of _killing._.. ....don't **_I_** get to kill _anything???_.I _**AM**_ a Greek warrior, ya know.

**_Hades_**......The only thing _you_ kill is attention spans, Babe, but that's Ok, this is _Meg's_ show. We're gonna make her a Star!!!!

_**Hercules.**_....Can I at least destroy _**one**_ big fire breathing_ dragon??_ C'o_mon._...I'm a **_hero, _**I have Rescue Needs!!

**_Hades_**......Nope. Been done before**.** Prince Philip slew the dragon.

_**Hercules.**_....How about I destroy an evil...._sea_ witch??

**_Hades_**......Same deal. Prince Eric beat ya to it.

_**Hercules.**_....a big fat cobra??

**_Hades_**......Aladdin.

_**Hercules.**_....an Asian homocidal maniac???

**_Hades_**......Mulan.

_**Hercules**_...How about a cruel religious fanatic??

**_Hades_**......Quasimodo.

_**Hercules**_....Heavily armed, narrow-minded _Elizabethans?!!??_

**_Hades_**......John Smith.

_**Hercules.**_...._Giant huge squid thingy!!?? _

**_Hades_**......Sinbad.

_**Hercules{in evident desparation}**_...**_early 20th century_** **_mad demonic Russian monk on the verge of destroying a nation!!??_**

**_Hades_**......Dmitri.

_**Hercules**_......_**Gigantic stone robot jaguar that inexplicably comes to life!!!??**_

**_Hades_**.....Sorry. Tulio and Miguel.

_**Hercule { resignedly}**_Wow..... this is one _boring_ gig.........Ok..**_ok_**...I'll put on her darn shoe. _Sheesh!!_ For **this** I trained 5 years with Phil???

**_Hades_**.....OK...._That_ fascinating bit of trivia is settled.....now .what do we use for a coach???

_**Megara**_.....Um....you'll need a pumpkin.

**_Hades_**.....a pumpkin?? fine....we'll use_ two_ pumpkins....make it a stretch limo.....hmm..what's a _**pumpkin,** _anyway??

_**Hercules**_.......It's a vegetable from the New World, has'nt been discovered yet. I can go get one on Pegasus for you. It will only take a few minutes.

**_Hades_**.....Well...hey...never mind, _screw_ it, we can use an olive... _**Places olive on ground and everyone looks at it.**_

**_Icarus_**.....I don't think that's gonna be big enough for_ all_ of us.

**_Hades_**.....You moron!!! You're seeing it before I do the "bippidi boppidi boo bit".....all right, _stand_ back everybody!!!...."Abra... Ca_deaver!!_....Bibbiti....Boppiti.._.BOO!!!_**_ makes a fist, hurls fireball at olive and Bamm!!!! it grows 100 thousand times bigger and becomes a huge elaborate emerald green enameled carriage on gold wheels, with beautiful red velvet upholstery{ that was the pimentoe}_**

**_Hades_**.....How's _that _for classy transportation!!??.Um....ok... we need a footman...someone short...somebody who'se a real _pipsqueak._....a really runty, undergrown type.._.Icarus!! _you little windsock, come here, you'll do, you're nice and scrawny!!

**_Icarus_**....._Diminutive, _Hades.... The word is _**Diminutive.**_

**_Hades_**.......OK, Creepshow, have it your your diminiutive_ butt _over to the olive.

**_Icarus_**.....But I don't _want-_--**_Aaahhhyeeee!!!!_**

_**Hades zaps Icarus, turns him into a footman in full dress uniform to drive the olive coach.**_

**_Icarus{ admiring his new uniform}_**....Hey!! _this.... _is'nt **_too_** bad!!! ...this is'nt too bad at _all!! _In fact...this is _**Lots**_ better than being a _platypus!! _Nice uniform, _and_ I get to keep my genitals!!!

_**Megara{cringing}...**_That was **_wayyyy_** too much information!

**_Hades_**.......Ok... horses, horses, we need something to _pull_ this thing, where did all that vermin get to???

**_Hercules...._**Don't you remember??? You insulted them and they ran off.

**_Hades_**.....Well.... we'll just have to--

**_Suddenly, Hermes the Messenger god comes zooming by and whips out a scroll_**

**__****_Hades_**.....Hermes!! What are You doing here??? This is a closed session, get _lost!!!_

**_Hermes....Reality_** Check, Kids, guess what nutty bit of info _***I***_ just dug up!!??

**_Hades_**....._Well?!!?_

**_Hermes...._** It seems the Cinderella sequel is on the story boards _already_, Babe,they're half way _through _with it!!!Everyone in the cast seems to have been pulling your chain.....

**_Hades_**....._**Egad**_**...... I must have _Enemies!!!! _*&^&$$%#%^&(*&&(*^%!!!!!Pain!! Panic!! what the hell were you up to???**

_**Pain**_....Oh Gee, Boss, we gotta run....gotta make those crop circles!!

_**Panic**_...Yeah ya know a minion's work is never done!!!.......

**Hades.....You did'nt update the data base _...DID_ YOU!!!??!!**

_**Pain and Panic, huddling in terror, and gripping their long skirts**_.....ah....ah....you would't hit a couple of _girls,_ **would **you?!!?

**_Hades_**....._Try _ME!!!!!

_**Big Angry Explosion!!!!**_

**_Pain and Panic now resemble something you scrape off the bottom of your toaster oven _**

_**Hercules**_...OK, well.....that's **_it_** then. It's over. Whew...wow... **_that's _**40 minutes of my immortality I'm never getting back!!

**_Hades_**.....No, no, no, **_NO!!_** it's not over **_yet,_** they _still_ havent released _**Tarzan 4**_.....Meg, _Babe,_ try on this leopard skin bikini for size._...ai chichua chaua!!_....you'll look **_HOT!!_**

_**Megara...**_Hades, you've wasted _enough_ of our time!!!

**_Hades_**....**_Wasted your time?!!? _********_Wasted your.... time?!!!?_**you *^&%$#MOTHER$%#&**&*%$#---ing INGRATES!!! I'm tearing my _flame_ out here trying to get us back on the map and all you can say is---

_**Megara... **_Look, FlameBoy....**_Read My Lips!!!!!...._**just _**....Drop Dead!!...OK???!**_

**_Hades_**......._**Don't**_ tell me how to do my job!!!

_**{another Big Angry Explosion}**_

**Hades and minions disappear.....the coach goes back to being a little olive, Icarus turns back into being, well, a little Icarus**

_**Icarus{ brushing off his sleeves }.....**_ah well, **_that's _**show biz...anyhoo...I gotta get some _major_ shuteye....Herc, don't forget, you're back in teen mode tomorrow, we have the _The Romans...... _man, that one_ always _wipes me out....

**_Hercules{ grinning} _**You and me **_both._**Yeah, ok, I'll see ya then. Lemme just walk Meg home......

**_Hades pops up again waving a scrap of material..... _**

_**Hades....**_Meg, Babe, no hard feelings, really, c'mon, ya gotta check out this Jane outfit...I had it done up special with _you _in mindat**_ Aphrodite's Secret_** .I call it _"The Peekaboo Surprise"..._it's a crotchless loincloth!!!"

_**Megara{ looking in disgust} **_Uh..there's not too much _...._**"secret,"** about it, _is_ there??

_**Hercules.....**_doe'snt a crotchless loincloth kinda defeat the whole purpose???

_**Icarus.....**_Hey_**....**I'll _take it!

_**Hercules.....**_You're never gonna get Cassandra to try _that_ on!!

_**Icarus.....**_Who said anything about Cassandra?_** I'll**_wear it_ for_ her!!

**_Megara....._**Ok....._that's _replacing the dancing teddy bear skeleton in my nightmare.

_**Hercules....**Try_ not to to think about it.

FINIT

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